Living With An Alexithymic Partner: Relational Cold

Living with an alexithymic partner can lead to great suffering. Indeed, in this type of relationship, empathy is often absent. Likewise, it is frequent that one of the members regrets the absence of this authentic connection in which the feelings are validated, in which one can build an authentic intimacy thanks to the words which nourish and to these complicit gestures where the emotions dance.

Loneliness, uncertainty, incomprehension… These are some of the feelings that people feel when they share their life with an alexithymic. However, we cannot neglect the reality that an alexithymic person experiences. Many people define this situation as a neurological disorder while others speak of a psychological disorder with social constraints.

Either way, there is no doubt that alexithymic can:

• to like
• to fall in love
• feel things
• to have feelings
• be happy
• move
• to suffer

On this point, he is identical to any other person. Nevertheless, and this is where the problem lies, he is unable to express what he is feeling, nor does he understand the emotional codes of those around him.

While this disorder causes more than one limitation in society, alexithymia is highly problematic emotionally. A study – conducted by the University of Missouri-Colombia in the United States – reveals that it is even worse. Indeed, alexithymia could be the cause of a good number of romantic breakups.

We must complete this information with another. It is estimated that  around 10% of the population could suffer from this deficit in terms of emotional communication, with a prevalence among males.

The experience of living with an alexithymic partner

Living with an alexithymic partner involves wear and tear in every sense of the word. Indeed, first of all since often, everyone is unaware that this couple relationship has a third member: the psychological disorder or the neurological alteration itself. We include this clarification because there is currently no consensus on the subject. In addition, many people are unaware of what is due to this inability to express and understand emotions.

Psychiatrist Peter Sifneos discovered this condition in 1972. Until now, we know that alexithymia could be linked to a disorder of the limbic system. We also know that it  has nothing to do with the psychopathic personality. In other words, the alexithymic feels but does not know how to interpret his own emotions or those of others.

All this means that at the emotional and relational levels, we experience the following realities:

Inability to express feelings

The alexithymic partner will never tell us if they are angry, happy, moved or worried. For this type of person, all emotion is a mystery. It is nothing more than a set of physiological experiences leading to the perception of certain tension, worry, stomach aches, etc. He will not be able to express what he is feeling because he does not know what is going on in his body. He cannot name emotions even if he feels them.

This therefore implies, for example, not being able to deal with anger. Nor can he convey love, admiration, or those basic emotional imprints in a relationship.

Misunderstanding the feelings of the other

The alexithymic person is unable to identify the emotions of others. She will not understand, for example, why her partner will be hurt by his behavior. She will also not be able to understand why he is not happy, what he needs, what makes him sad, why he changes his mood, etc.

Also, if at any point his partner asks him to have an intimate conversation, he will feel incapable of doing so. Having to dig deeper into these kinds of emotional aspects is uncomfortable for alexithymic. This is an aspect that he does not know how to manage, that he does not perceive, that he does not understand.

Moreover, the communication style of the alexithymic is also very significant. He does not like reflections, double meanings, poetic, ironic or romantic language. His way of seeing things is always very logical, concrete and literal. Communication with him is therefore always very rigid, and above all, as difficult as it is frustrating.

My partner is alexithymic, what can I do?

Living together, creating a plan for the future, solving problems or even reaching simple agreements with the person with alexithymia can be very complicated. We must take into account the fact that our entire social fabric is built in itself through emotions. What can we do in these cases?

Whether we are an alexithymic person or their partner, we need to understand an important point; this condition  is often accompanied by other disorders. It is very common, for example, that there is latent depression or a stress disorder. On the other hand, alexithymia can also be present in people with Asperger’s syndrome.

Either way, we need to make a proper diagnosis. In addition,  alexithymia is in a spectrum. In other words, some will suffer from it in a more significant way and others will show only a few features. That is why it is always advisable to seek professional help and work on these aspects.

Alexithymia and emotional relationships: some keys to consider

We need to know that the person with alexithymia does have feelings but does not know how to express them. Therefore,  it is appropriate to work some basic codes through which she can express affection. Looks, caresses and physical contact are good ways to validate ourselves on a daily basis.

• It is essential that alexithymic receive psychological support. This is the only way to consider if we want the relationship to be maintained. This condition is incurable. It is only possible to work on it so that the patient finds mechanisms and skills to improve his empathy, his communication and the expression of his emotions.

• Areas that will be worked on during therapy with the patient are emotional stimulation and identification,  empathy, social skills, emotional communication, and anxiety and stress reduction.

Finally, we need to know that not everyone responds well to therapy. In addition, many alexithymics are reluctant to accept specialist help because they see other people as having a problem. For some of these men and women, it is their partners who identify a problem with their emotions. They are too intense, irrational and incomprehensible to them.

In this case, the best option is well-being. Protecting integrity and avoiding unnecessary suffering will always be the best response when we do not see a desire for change  on the part of the alexithymic.

Our thoughts

Absorbing the emotions of others is a risk for empathetic people. But it is possible to protect yourself from it.