A Mother Before Being A Friend

Being a mother is one of the best experiences there is. It sounds like a ready-made sentence, but it isn’t. The fact of conceiving a small being and seeing it born goes far beyond the scope of biology. To feel this warmth, this instinct of protection and tenderness is a thing difficult to avoid. The path that begins is a path leading straight into the unknown. We know that we will not live there only pleasant moments… and that the uncertainty, the change of routine and the pressure of the way “judged correct” will be present. Also, depending on the decade we are born, the tips and rules for raising a child can be completely different.

“The mother’s heart is the only shelter of a feeling that never breaks; you can always count on it, in all circumstances and in complete safety. ”

-Paolo Mantegazza-

We are currently in a roller coaster of opinions about mothers’ standards of behavior, the qualities they should have and the results they should achieve. Almost every week we may read in articles or books that there are several paths we should take in raising our child. To be more or less lax, to breastfeed him or not, to make him sleep in our room or in a separate room, here are the debates which make defenders clash from each point of view.

Different types of mothers

Within the conflict over the definition of “mother”, we find different models of education. In the book Perfectly Imperfect Moms , we are introduced to five types of mothers:

• The one who controls:  it is the one who tries to take care of everything in the life of her children, whether at school, family or social level. She makes decisions for them and does not understand the concept of privacy.

• The perfectionist: the  one who focuses on results. The main thing is that the image of the children is perfect and that they meet the expectations of their mother. This one does not respect their bad times, their difficulties, their fears or their doubts.
• The accomplice mother:  the mother who ends up appropriating the schedules, the habits, the vocabulary and even the friends of her children.
• The one who likes competition:  this mother does not accept that her children are better than her in certain areas of life. They correct them in a condescending way and do not guide them: they compete with it.
• The one who appropriates everything:  she does not take a distance from what happens to her children and from what she feels. Everything becomes a personal matter.

These are just a few examples. While we can catalog and label types of relationships, the truth is that there are as many types of mothers as there are women. They can go through times of doubts and, depending on the age of their children, become perfectionists after having had a period where they were in control.

“There is no such thing as a perfect mother, but there are a million ways to be a good mother”.

-Jill Churchill-

A mother before being a friend

We hear more and more comments about  mothers who want to be friends with their daughters. Friendship, according to Larousse, is “a feeling of affection between two people; attachment, sympathy that one person shows to another ”. The function of a friend is to listen, to entertain, to support, to be an accomplice, to sanction, to advise or to accompany. All of this, at first glance, might coincide with a mother.

However, there is one thing that sets them apart. The mother figure must be an example, a model. The mother should be a guide. She is the main figure of reference (alongside the father) and, with some exceptions, still weaves the most powerful bond that exists in humans: love. The relationship between parents and children is built on the basis of the attention received, the feeling of protection and support during the first stages of life – when we are most vulnerable -. The emotional structure of the little ones will develop thanks to this base.

The value of a mother

Normally, the desire to be friends with your children arises during the teenage years or after this stage. This is the moment when our child begins to gain more autonomy and to claim their place in the world.

Fear of not knowing, losing control, or the need to make them feel they can trust adults make many mothers want to be friends with their children. But, in reality, there are times in life when trusting someone doesn’t mean having to tell them everything. You have to know how to accept the fact that children make their own mistakes and that we cannot always control everything they do.

“My mother had a lot of imagination and a special vision of the world. She was not very cultured but extremely romantic; she introduced me to travelogues. […] My mother did not read good literature, she was not cultivated, but her imagination opened other doors for me. We had a game: “Look at the sky, look for a shape in the clouds and make up great stories”. It was in Banfield. My friends weren’t so lucky. Their mothers did not look at the clouds. ”

-Julio Cortázar-

Children need to have secrets, to be argued, to hear a “no”, to take orders and to respect limits. A friend doesn’t take care of all of this. A friend is chosen, abandoned or forgotten. This is why we often find the term “disinterested affection” in the definition of friendship.

A mother shows interest. A personal and pure interest, that of transmitting values, of teaching and of guiding. But she must also leave a personal space for her children when they need it. You need to know how to leave the door open so that they know they can count on you if the option they chose does not help them move forward; you must also know how to wait instead of rushing to question them. No one said it was easy, and that’s why education is such a challenge.