Automatic Thoughts About The Couple Relationship
“I am happy with you.” “Is he thinking of me or does he have another person in mind?” “Does he love me as much as the first day?” Automatic thoughts about a couple can be the alliance for creating a healthy and happy bond or the abyss of permanent suffering. Usually we are not even aware of the impact of this ongoing mental chatter.
As the saying goes, what you imagine you create. Certain ideas, automatic reasoning, and even completely irrational thoughts intensify a particular emotional state. If we only keep the doubt in us, we will experience the fear of abandonment, the fear of betrayal and the anguish of not being loved.
It is a subject that we do not often talk about. These judgments and ideas that flow into our mental universe about a relationship are more important than we think.
Automatic thoughts in romantic relationships
Have you ever taken the time to analyze your most frequent thoughts when you are with your partner? Do they taste like trust or doubt? Do they reflect a complicity or a lack? The most striking thing about these situations is that sometimes we have thoughts that we cannot express out loud.
Jordan Turner and James McNulty, two psychologists from Florida State University, conducted a study on this in 2020. First, this study was able to find that on average, many thoughts automatic about the torque are positive. So it is common for this mental flow to be imbued with trust and security.
However, experts have pointed out one detail with which many of us will agree. These thoughts and ideas vary depending on the progress of the relationship. If we have been together for years and disagreements and problems have arisen, our minds are more likely to harbor ideas that are less positive in value.
Moreover, this study has shown that certain situations cause the automatic appearance of specific ideas and attitudes. Let’s analyze this in more depth.
Types of automatic thoughts in relationships
“He must still be mad at me.” “I’m sure he’s thinking about the other day.” Often, we are not fully aware of these mental dynamics that determine us in our daily lives. However, it is essential to know how to detect them in order to mitigate their negative impact. Here are the types of automatic thoughts in general:
- Automatic thoughts of selective abstraction. These are the ones that only pay attention to a detail. For example, a few days ago, maybe we had an argument with our partner. Since then, every gesture, every word from the other person has been attributed to this disagreement.
- “He’s not smiling at me because he’s still thinking about yesterday.” “He doesn’t give me a kiss to say goodbye because he’s still angry.”
- The mark of low self-esteem and irrational ideas. People with low self-esteem and low self-esteem tend to have a lot of doubts. All of this sets in motion the engines for manufacturing irrational worries and ideas.
- Negative experiences accumulated over time. The authors of this study were able to demonstrate that, often, a couple goes through “crises” which are not always well resolved. This negative emotional assessment ends up permeating everything through the negative thoughts that endlessly fuel the discomfort.
What can we do in these situations?
Mental rumination leads us to a situation similar to that of a person who ends up sinking into quicksand. The more intense the production of unnecessary thoughts, the more trapped we feel.
Therefore, automatic thoughts in relationships cause us to lose control of our emotions by fueling states of anxiety. They distance us from the person we love.
On the other hand, being guided by this type of mental rumination is like living on autopilot; we no longer have control over ourselves. If we wish to build a joyful and fulfilling emotional bond, it is essential to pay attention to ruminant thoughts. But how ?
- We must avoid this automatic tendency to make spontaneous interpretations. If something is worrying or preoccupying us in the relationship, it is best to discuss it with our partner before drawing our own conclusions.
- Many of our automatic thoughts are based on own emotional and psychological states that we have not faced or dealt with. Low self-esteem, insecurity, or fear of abandonment are the ideal fuel for this kind of ruminant ideas.
- Our thinking is full of traps, irrational beliefs and distorted patterns. Another strategy is to do some soul-searching and find a lot of those mental nodes that oppose happiness.
Finally, we must underline an important thing… It is not easy to achieve conscious control of our mental universe; it takes time. Clinical approaches such as cognitive behavioral therapy are the best resources in these cases. So do not hesitate to seek the help of an expert if necessary.
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