Being Jealous Because Of The Other’s Past

This insatiable jealousy over our other half’s past… Do you know it? Have you been a victim? (whether you are the jealous person or the one affected by that jealousy in the relationship). You may have fallen into this endless labyrinth of retrospective jealousy. This jealousy that many people suffer from, not only in the “here and now” but also in relation to their spouse’s past.

As if the insecurity of the present was not enough, the past of the spouse appears like a hurricane which completely devastates the tranquility, the mental peace and the internal security. It does not appear suddenly: very often, it is searched. We viciously search for every detail of the stories and relationships that person experienced when they were not with us.

Details are still insufficient for the continually hungry and voracious jealousy monster. They will never be enough. It’s like a kind of landfill where everything goes, where everything is welcome. To the point of going mad. Knowing what our partner’s relationships have been is not enough. You have to know every detail.

Jealousy about the past, this hungry monster that never gets full

Obviously, one of the obsessions is how was this person physically. What was her way of being, how he made her feel, how he treated her… A lot of people must be wondering: why? Is it some kind of masochism? The logic of a “purely” rational mind would boil down to “why would you want to know your past if, now, it is you that it has chosen?”

“The past is over. You don’t have to hang on to it anymore ”. You may have heard a friend tell you this. A rational person who tries to set limits on this mental and emotional mess.

But what is behind this genuine obsession with the other’s emotional past? Or, at least, the question we can ask ourselves is: what are we looking for through this accumulation of information? Information, information and more information. The more, the better because this huge monster is never full.

Insecurity is the basis of jealousy

In a way, a need to want to be the only person in our spouse’s life arises. But what do we find behind this desire to be the only person in your life? Basic insecurity (in capitals, underlined and in bold). Our own self-esteem crumbles. We need to look outside for that security that no longer lives in us. And this completely destabilizes us.

We are desperately looking for data that proves to us that we are the only important person. The most wonderful and the most special in this world. And that, for some strange reason, this person lived far away from us (their one and true love) before knowing us.

Dependence is the consequence of this brutal insecurity. If my foundations are demolished, I will desperately search for something that will hang them out of me. I will look for someone who will act as a mirror for me. Which will reflect all that I am not able to see or judge for myself. And I will hold on to this mirror until I reach emotional and mental toxicity.

We are addicted when we don’t learn to take care of ourselves

All means are good to reach my end. Because this is one hell of an end, not some sort of tiny ending. It’s about staying alive at all costs. Not to disappear. Not to let my ravenous insecurity eat away at me until I am gone. And if I have to hold on to a person at all costs, I will. Otherwise, I will disappear. I am no one.

Being jealous of a spouse’s past is a very common problem, and we should learn to look beyond this fact. It all makes sense. And it is this meaning that we must seek and keep preciously. To finally transform it into a way to help us, to build us, to love us as we are. Because comparing oneself to others is an unsuccessful exercise with bitter echoes.

Comparison is pointless because we are all different. Each person is unique. Love and value yourself starting from this difference. Start from there and look at everything with clarity. Don’t be blinded by arguments that have eaten away at your sanity. Take care of yourself. Fighting against jealousy is not an easy task as you have to fight against a titan who has entered deep within your being.

You can start over at any time!