Passive Aggressive Disorder: Living In Ambiguity

Your spouse does not want to go to an event to which you have been invited, but ultimately agrees to accompany you. However, he takes so much of his time that  when he’s finally ready the party is almost over.  This is one of the behaviors that people with passive aggressive disorder can exhibit.

Also  known as silent assault or negativistic personality disorder, this disorder is much more common than we might think. However, it is very difficult to detect as people who suffer from it tend to be evasive and go unnoticed.

How do people with passive aggressive disorder act?

The key to their behavior is the resistance they offer to external demands. In other words,  they  adopt a very passive attitude towards the essential and reasonable obligations  that everyone must assume in their daily life.

It is very difficult to get along with these people because they try at all costs to avoid responsibilities. They simply “forget” them, or put them last on their priority list. For example, if they have made a commitment to bring the bread for dinner, they leave the house to go buy it when the diners are already seated and ready to start eating. This is an exacerbated disinterest.

These patients tend to be  demanding, dependent, afraid of being alone and have little self-confidence. They are people with a double face, who live between two extremes, which causes great confusion around them. They are manipulative, pessimistic and irritated. In addition, they do not conceive of self-criticism and do not feel guilty. They try to justify everything they do or look for any kind of excuse that will allow them to exempt themselves, however ridiculous it may be.

Surrounded by ambiguity and anger

People with passive aggressive disorder usually show a complete discrepancy between what they say and what they do. It is almost impossible to know how they are feeling as they  usually do not act, or in a totally contradictory way.

It is, for example, as if our spouse was telling us “I don’t love you anymore. I stopped feeling love for you ”and he was yelling at us right after“ never leave me! I can not live without you !”. These people maintain ambiguous communication all the time, more indirectly than directly.

Usually when someone is bothered by another’s behavior, they let them know and try to resolve the problem. People with passive aggressive disorder do not. They remain silent, keep everything to themselves, and seemingly act as if nothing has happened. However, their inner selves are enraged.

Therefore, they  live complacent, but are filled with fury. And that anger will never be expressed because they think it is a totally unacceptable feeling. This is why they repress it and are unable to express it adequately.

They camouflage it so well in reality that usually, although they are flooded with anger, no one around them notices that they are offended or upset. It ‘s seems to be warm, close, docile and friendly, but basically they are envious, vindictive and angry.

Grumpy and cranky

Passive Aggressive Disorder  turns the person into a moody, suspicious and lonely being. Her character becomes indomitable and she becomes cranky, irritable and irascible.

They constantly feel that they are being treated unfairly. In view of this, they often act in a hostile or cynical manner. They tend to be stubborn. Their projection is extremist, and despite the most reasonable explanations we can present to them, they will systematically consider themselves the victims. They are also disrespectful and, in defense of their independence, generally reject any suggestions that may be made by those around them.

Obstructionism and control

It is very important to them that the people around them do not get what they want. They are pure in appearance. Although they make us believe that they are supporting us and walking with us, their actions actually show the opposite. They will never give us what we ask for.

For this reason, they do not believe in time limits. If we set a deadline to deliver or do something, as a rule, they will not meet it. They prefer to do things their own way and without feeling obligated or committed.

This greatly affects their job performance. If their boss asks for a report for the next day, not only will they not submit it on time, but will not even justify their delay or try to explain the reason for the delay. They simply allow time to pass until they decide for themselves to do what has been asked of them. These people  even come, in some cases, to tell a made-up story or to manipulate certain information in order to get out of the situation.

Causes of passive aggressive disorder

Although they are not known for sure, many experts consider  their origin to be a mixture of biological and environmental factors. Therefore, self-esteem, attachment in childhood, family dynamics or learned behaviors would influence this disorder.

Childhood abuse, excessive punishment or substance abuse during adolescence can also promote its development. Other conditions that resemble passive aggressive disorder behaviors are actually the result of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), stress, depression, bipolar disorder, various disorders of personality or various addictions.

How to deal with people suffering from passive aggressive disorder?

We are already seeing that it is not at all easy to answer or to confront their behavior because  the feeling that their behavior generates for those around them is nothing but powerlessness.

If we need to be in close contact with a “passive aggressive” person, it is best not to get carried away by their bad mood and to respond with kindness. Being positive, optimistic, introducing humor or talking about mundane topics is the best way to resist the negative influence of their behavior.

If we have enough influence, it is advisable to convince this person to seek psychological help. The psychotherapist will try to reduce his anger and frustration, teaching him effective coping strategies. The specialist will work on their objectivity, assertiveness and problem solving in an efficient and healthy way.

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