When To Love Too Much Means To Depend

The word “depend” refers to being subject to certain conditions, limitations or restrictions imposed on us by our other half. For example, to live, we depend on food, water, sleep, breathing etc.

So here we are talking about absolute needs, without which no one could “really” survive. It is totally reasonable and beneficial to realize that there are certain things that we need and depend on in order to live.

For example, if I want to hammer a nail into the wall, it would be silly to say that I absolutely need a hammer, since I can hammer it with another object, for example, a heavy stone. The hammer is a relative need, even if it is preferable to the stone since it is much more comfortable, of course.

Once this difference is understood, it is easy to transpose it to the psychological and especially to love. We mistakenly believe that we need love to be happy or to survive. Even though studies have been done on this subject, no one has yet been able to conclude that happiness or lack of happiness is due to having known love or not in their life.

If we think that we need love in our life and more so, love from someone in particular, we will end up depending on that person, as if our life couldn’t go its normal course if that person. no one was with us. To depend is to link up.

How do I know if I like or if I depend?

There are several avenues that can help you realize that you are falling into the clutches of emotional addiction:

You let the other treat you badly

You have so idealized the person you think that in love with this particular person, “all worth it”, and that it does not matter if you disrespect it will change etc. Deep down you know that is not true and you are in pain but you have the terrible fear of facing him or of ending the relationship. And you prefer to endure the unbearable.

You are anxious if this person is not near you

As you experience it as a need, you are afraid that this person will not continually be by your side because it means that you may lose them or that you do not control their comings and goings. It is as if you cannot find water to drink and you are dying of thirst. You will be just as anxious, except that water is a vital need.

You feel that life has no meaning if it is not by your side

Imagine the future without this person. You don’t prefer to do it because it gives you a chill in your back? You think that without this person you could not be happy, you could not benefit from anything, that you would be alone etc. These are completely unrealistic thoughts, however, which come from the belief that you need love to function. But depending is not the right option.

You are not yourself since you were in this relationship

You don’t do new activities or things that you used to be passionate about, and you have even stopped seeing your friends so much. Today, you prefer to do the things your partner likes, and you have even immersed yourself in activities that you never imagined doing. Ultimately, you are no longer the authentic person you were before, but you have become the Siamese of your companion. And that, basically, makes you empty.

Tips for quitting addiction

If you identify with the above characteristics and want to get out of this cage that you have put yourself in alone, you should face your fear of loneliness or lack of love. Know that you have the key to quitting dependency, it’s in your pocket. So use it!

• Change those hyper-romantic thoughts: Romance is pretty and fun in normal doses as long as you control it. But if it slips out of your hands, you might come to think things like: “without you I am worth nothing”, “without you I die”, “your absence hurts me” etc. These ideas, instilled by our culture, do nothing more than fill us with anxiety in the face of the constant perception of the threat of loss.
• You are not the owner of your spouse and you do not belong to him either : even if you say “my boyfriend / my girlfriend”, “my / my spouse”, “my husband / my wife”, this “my” or “My” is nothing more than a means of communicating. But the reality is that this person is free, they don’t belong to you. She came into our lives because she wanted to and she can come out whenever she wants, whether we like it or not. So, start to peel off and realize that even though this is your partner right now and you share your life, maybe someday he will be one more person in the world, and you will survive it.

• Review your beliefs: Why is it necessary to receive love from this person? What are you doing with this love? Why do you want it? Does it bring you satisfaction and well-being or does it go further? Where is it written that you need your spouse to be happy?
• Change Your Behavior: Once you have worked out these unrealistic thoughts and beliefs, there is a need to put this into practice in your behavior. Stop constantly checking where your spouse is, stop giving him explanations that lead to nothing.
• Enjoy his company but also your own company, both with other people and alone. Do what you love to do and not what you have to because you are with him / her. If your partner accepts your new change, that will be wonderful. If they don’t accept it, run away! This person is not worthy of you if you need to. Depending on someone is not necessary in order to be happy.